The No Punchline Nativity

The age of an ass ago, there was this brave called Joseph doing a quare and steady line with a wee slip called Mary. She was a very religious sort, so she had never let Joseph come near her with Fagin and the two Magees until they’d gotten married.

"Put it away for five minutes, Joe"

So on they went and got married, but sure the next thing Mary comes out with, is the revelation that she was fixed. Says Joseph, houl on you one wee second, how is it that you’re fixed now, when I never buried the big fellah? Mary sat him down and explained that there was once when she was out the back of the house, an angel called Gabriel appeard to her. The angel said “Do not fear, Mary, for you have found favor with God.  And behold! You shall conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus. He shall be great and shall be called the Son of the Highest. And the Lord God shall give him the throne of his father David. And he shall reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of his kingdom there shall be no end. The Holy Spirit shall come on you, and the power of the Highest shall overshadow you. Therefore also that Holy One which will be born of you shall be called Son of God”.

"Well doll. You're crigged"

So Joseph was a wee bit vexed about all this, but said nothing, even though he was wondering if it’d still be late to make a run to a chemist up North in the morning. So he went on about his business, even though his pals that he worked with as a carpenter gave him a wodious slagging over having a cuckoo in the nest, the cunts. They claimed that either the child was Josephs, and he’d been talking when he should have been pulling out, or that Mary had went out and got rid by all and sundry behind his back, and that finding the actual father of the child would be like getting your arm cut off by a chainsaw and finding which tooth cut you first. Joseph passed no remarks, and just worked hard so that when the child landed they’d be alright for a few bob.

"Fuck me, this plank is as crooked as a boars mickey"

So that was alright, and the months went on. But come towards the end of the year, there went round a letter saying all and everyone had to up sticks and go to their hometown to get registered for a census, which for Joseph was a pain in the high hole of his arse. He had to load up the donkey with a wife the size of a shopping trolley and go into town to get registered. But sure of course Joseph, bollox, left all too late and landed into town when all the hotels and inns were shut, and Mary wasted no time in jandering about it. So Joseph went to on inn, he says Hi boy, any chance of a room, for me and the woman? She’s in the family way and it’s late in the day. The doorman said no chance hi, go you the fuck on up the road. So Joseph says hi boy, don’t take yon fuckin tone with me, or you’ll be pickin your teeth out of your shite come the morning. So on went Joseph to the next inn. Mary had said she was soon to calf, and was as wicked as a cut cat. Up to the door, same crack again, Joseph was told NO by the bouncer in no uncertain terms.

"Fuck off, hi, or you'll be waking up with a crowd around you"

So up went Joseph to the third inn, and out came the innkeeper, a wee skinny lad about the size of what a crow might have shite in the famine. Joseph says c’mere hi, I’m in town for this cunt of a census, would you have anywhere for me and the woman? I’m going around like snuff at a wake, on top of which herself has a dose of the fattening pin and I reckon she hasn’t long left. So the inkeeper took a wee mercy on them, and says well look, it’s fuck all but sure it’s all I have, there’s a byre away on out the road, theres a few cows and asses and hens and fuck knows what else, and there’s a smell of shite that’s neither good nor middlin. But sure if you’re stuck, go on out to it. Good man, said Joseph, although he was thinking to himself, ya MANE BASTARD. But fuck it, there was no-where else and it was getting late, so he heeled Mary into the byre where after a lot of carrin and giving out, she gave birth to a wee boy.

"Joseph, would you ever shoo that bullock the fuck away from the child?"

So when all this was going on, there was this shower of hoors called the Magi away in the desert at an Oasis (not to be confused with THE Oasis, notorious Carrickmacross nightclub around the back of which many’s the girl got the high hard one). They had it in their heads that the son of God would be born and were looking for a sign that he was born, when hup! Look at that, says one, a big star in the sky. If that’s not a sign of our saviours birth, fuck knows what is. So gather yourselves,it’s time for cripples to creep. So they followed the… general direction of the star, bringing with them gifts of Gold, Frankencense and Mirrh.

"Let's make like a donkeys cock and hit the road"

Further to this, there was a hunkersliding pack of young lads who were supposed to be minding a flock of sheep against… dogs, I suppose, who were visited all of a sudden by the Angel Gabriel. Fuck hi, whistle or something next time, they said. Gabriel says don’t be so smart, mouthpiece. There’s a woman after giving birth to the son of God in a byre across a few fields, dart over and say hello. Go now, quick before you vex me.

"Oh sure, we'll just let the sheep be minded by THIS FUCKING DOG, will we?"

So the next thing Joseph knew was there landed a platoon of hoors at the front door; shepherds, wise men, the lot. He said alright lads, nice of youse to land and all, go on in and be quiet. The child is only off the tit a minute and he’s fallen asleep, so don’t wake him because me and his mother are fit to sleep on a harrow. So the lads filed in as quiet as they could, and seen the wee fellah sleeping in a feeder for sheep. Ah, said one of the shepherds.

"Isn't he a wee dote"

 

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    • Gerry McBride
    • December 21st, 2010

    Wishing a very Happy Christmas to all the readers of No Punchline. Thanks a million to everyone, hope you have a great time this Christmas!!

    • Noel
    • December 22nd, 2010

    A crackin’ tale, Gerry.
    Enjoy yourself, might catch y’in the ‘cross.

    • Richard
    • December 24th, 2010

    Brilliant stuff, man, I’m telling this to my future kids someday.

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